The dark

Today is almost two months in married life. But life has turn completely down to me. Until  I cant find the source for me to smile genuinely in front of my spouse. I know he is not well. A week back, he went for a knee surgery. He said he is depressed too because he needs to sit 24/7 at home for 6 weeks. But the problem is, how can he said that, when he is 24/7 with his smartphone, laughing and smiling when replying his social media chats. And when I talked about this, he will tell me that im different. He has a lot of work related group where he needs to reply. So tell me, what is work related group that he need to reply when the clock is at 2am? it hurts me badly when the chat is from a girl and some more his ex. Its not about jealousy. I knew hes been messaging with his ex girlfriend long way back ever since we started to dating. Until yesterday, he shouting and kept comparing..which I cant take it. That moment, I really wanted to end my life. 😭 So ive been making my self occupied with all house works. I took a knife, trying to stab my self. The knife is sharp and its painful. So I put back the knife.